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Published on December 10th, 2012 | by Washington Assholes

The Difference Between a Dick and an Asshole

“You guys are fucking assholes!”

That’s what a close friend called us one night, as we paraded out of Lucky Bar. She didn’t mean it — she was drunk, and we were pulling her away from a sleazy hookup. But in her spit of Skyy-infused drama, she got it right. Like, really, we’re assholes.

And we’re proud of it.

Being an asshole isn’t most people’s aspiration. But when you consider the alternative — being a dick — an asshole’s not so bad. And believe us, there are significant differences.

Intent

Intent is one of those words we typically save for court rooms and botched one night stands. But when it comes to assholes and dicks, it makes a big difference.

Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler: Unintentional Asshole. “I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.”

Dicks have malicious intent. Their whole purpose is to muck up your day like single tracking on the weekends, but then play it off like they didn’t know better. (I’m looking at you, WMATA.) A typical exchange involves a dick stating something factual, but masking it in an air of entitlement, because he happens to be right. This hurts because you know he’s right, but like, why did he have to be all mean about it? To which the dick would reply I’m not trying to be a dick, brah — or something dicky like that. (Note: clarifying that one is trying not to be a dick is a sure sign that one is, in fact, being a dick. It’s science.)

If you still owe them for $5 shit seats at a Nats game, a dick will remind you at every opportunity. Specifically when you visit their Dupont loft. Like, that game was in May, before Strasburg was really nailing it. This is because dicks believe in a just world, and see themselves as the sheriffs of truth. They insist on delivering fairness, and then kicking out your shins with their Clint Eastwood spurs.

Assholes don’t really have intent other than to offer their opinions, layered in wit. It’s like a big asshole cake of sarcasm, followed by snark and iced with sugar-free “fuck you, haha, just kidding, maybe not, let’s be friends?” Malice is simply absent from their recipes. If anything, with an asshole, you’ll probably laugh and privately conclude Thank god, I’m not the only one thinking that.

Wisdom

Dean Lewis

Dean Lewis: Wise Asshole. “Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that they’re gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, buyers and sellers! Pimps and whores, pimps and whores! And indoctrinating them into a life-long hell of debt and indecision!”

Which brings us to wisdom. Though dicks are, unfortunately, correct in the facts they present, they rarely offer insight or analysis beyond their version of the truth. Assholes, however, will give you War and Peace about why you should stop trying to make Georgetown Cupcakes happen. Because they’re not going to happen.

Somewhere between mandatory childhood bedtimes and their first trip to the DMV, assholes develop a twisted and pessimistic, yet refreshing perspective on life. Coupled with their love for talking, this gives them the unique ability to pontificate about all things annoying, inspiring or otherwise deemed important. And should they lack the necessary life experience to suggest wisdom, they’ll just pull it out of their ass. Naturally.

Popularity

Both dicks and assholes can be popular. To suggest otherwise would fail to explain the eight-year existence of kanyewest.us/fansite. But their popularity differs in terms of acceptance.

Nobody will publicly support a dick nor mention their sick love for him — less he be considered a dick himself. You’ll never come across a Meetup group gabbing about they way Dick Cheney has positively affected their lives. Nay, these people would only anonymously admit such social-suicide.

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Meanwhile everyone and their mom will run to an asshole. Or at least, everyone who knows what’s what and doesn’t shop at Payless (totes gross). Assholes get all kinds of attention and they typically deserve it. Because it’s like, really hard trying to constantly be unintentional and wise.

Joe Biden

Joe Biden, Popular Asshole. “A gaffe in Washington is someone telling the truth, and telling the truth has never hurt me.”

Conclusion

So remember folks, next time you’re at an ANC meeting, put the peanut-gallery wise-ass to the test and see if he’s a genuine dick or an unassuming asshole. If they’re tall, attractive and writing on this site, it’s probably the latter.

Welcome to Washington Assholes.



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