Trash It chocolate-cupcakes

Published on May 8th, 2013 | by Washington Assholes

1. Cupcakes

Somewhere after “build the nation’s capital on a swamp” and “spend $34 million to renovate the Reflection Pool” (the algae remains) someone had another bright idea: to make all Wassholes suffer through the unexplainable nightmare that is the cupcake craze.

One time, we were waiting in line over at the atrociously popular Georgetown Cupcakes, and a woman joined the queue behind us. Only after ten minutes had passed did she ask, “Excuse me, what’s this line for?”


“Oh, I like cupcakes. I just saw a two-block line from across the street and thought I should get in it.”

THAT’S how crazy people are for cupcakes here. They don’t even know they want cupcakes, but they’ll happily wait 45 minutes for them.

Cupcake Meme

Our feelings about cupcakes displayed on cupcakes.

The problem with cupcakes is that they’re like kitten heels for your sweet tooth: a stunted attempt at the real thing. Oh, I don’t want to go full-blown cake, so I’ll just have a miniature cake… but it should cost as much as a vodka martini and include words like “tinted” or “dusted” in its description. 

Well, just like kitten heels there’s a problem with cupcakes: they’re dumb. No, they don’t make cute housewarming treats or break room goodies. They’re crumby, overpriced and come in flavors like carrot. Fucking gross.

Worse yet, in the middle of a  stagnant, swampy D.C. summer, you can’t find any frozen dessert to save your life. What’s that? You want soft serve? A slurpee? A frosty? Fuck you. You’re getting moist cake.

While we realize you can easily duck into a McD’s for a doll-hair cone, a Classy Wassy doesn’t dare get caught dead inside the golden arches before 2 a.m. or six drinks of varying liquors — whichever comes first. Similarly, we know there’s frozen yogurt, but who wants to buy a dessert based on its weight in ounces? Like, how am I supposed to know how much coconut flakes and chocolate syrup weighs? Also, I don’t need to be reminded of how much I’m consuming. I honestly just want to stick my tongue in something cold. Thanks, but no thanks.

But more than anything else, what really ticks us off are the crazies who actually hunt down the cupcake trucks. Yes, we’ve been dragged around before, looking for a giant pink truck like it’s God’s gift to Farragut Square. Does anyone else not get this concept? You’re going to tell me what I can order today and where I have to go get it? I’m not on a fucking scavenger hunt for baked goods — I just want dessert.

If it were up to us, cupcakes, you’d be trashed.

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