Trash It vote-keyboard

Published on May 9th, 2013 | by Washington Assholes

2. Special Elections

April 23 was a special election day in D.C. Oh you didn’t know that? Nobody else did either. Something to do with electing a new Council member, which isn’t the sexiest place to work in the city right now. Unless you favor fraud, misuse of campaign funds and fully loaded Lincoln Navigators.

A low turnout of 49,869 residents voted in the special election, which represents a little less than 10 percent of all registered voters. We’re not sure if that’s more embarrassing for the city or for the voters themselves. Clearly the rest of us were busy doing something cooler.

Ryan Gosling Vote

We bet the sticker would still look better on the floor. Wink, wink.

It’s our esteemed opinion that special elections are a waste of our time. Not in the sense that we’re standing around in lines waiting to vote (we aren’t), but rather that it takes time to throw away those political flyers. Like, who sends mail anymore? This is D.C.: if I’m not reading about you on Tumblr or through a CityPaper Facebook post, then I don’t care. Because the only mail we really want comes in the form of W magazine or check.

Equally irritating are the wonks among us who insist on discussing these special elections. No, sorry, I don’t want to talk to you about how Anita Bonds won with a 1/3 plurality or how Elissa Silverman really reached out to Millennials. The only plurality we care about describes the selection of airplane bottles in our bag. Instead, how about you call us back when your career path isn’t a direct line from “Hill intern” to “political consultant.” Also, whiten your teeth — and it’s called self-tanner.

And stop guilt-tripping us for not voting, as if an election in D.C. really matters. Like, chill out, we were busy watching House of Cards. Let’s just save the hassle of electing someone to D.C. Council and instead move straight from someone announcing their campaign to indicting them with embezzlement.

D.C. Special Elections: you’re trash.

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